Warning Signs

Amid all the celebrity cheating scandals I've gotten to thinking about deal breakers that come out of nowhere (insert Sandra Bullock/Blind Side bad joke here). I've been in similar situations where you're dating someone for a month, everything is going great, and then BAM!, he shows up to watch a movie in full camo-cargo-pants with a scary matching vest and an orange waffle shirt underneath. OR, you've been dating what you thought was a hipster for 3 months and suddenly there's a federal election and he votes for Stephen Harper. OR you're married to someone for a long ass time and you find out he's sleeping with a tattooed freak and looking a lot like Hitler on Perez.

Because at Green Eggs and Tam we never ever entertain the idea that it might be us, we have to find reasons why it must be them. Here are some warning signs that you should 'NEXT' your current bf/gf/casual encounters flirtation/BBM crush/twitter stalker/chatroulette pervert.


1) He wears 'funky hats'

Let's face it, trendy hats are for balding guys. If I have to see another picture of Kid Carson in a zany hat, I'm going to lose my mind. There is only one thing more unappealing than wearing a lame hat and that is having a low self esteem. It's OK if you're 27 and bald, you can still get laid, you just have to own it.



2) She won't stop talking about her ex

Girls do this for 2 reasons. The first reason is that she thinks it makes her appear date-able. It's the same reason why girls LOVE when they get an invitation to a wedding and it has her boyfriend's name on it too. It's all about validation. If someone else has hit it and loved it, then chances are, someone else will as well. The second reason is to make you jealous. I've experienced this in reverse and it worked, but let me just say, nothing makes a guy signal for the cheque quicker than a gal who still hates her ex. Repeat after me ladies 'he was a great guy, I ended it because he got too needy'. Works everytime.


3) He/she has a stupid tattoo

This is a really hard one, because tattoos in general can be super hot if done right. Unfortunately what feels right in 1996 doesn't always translate to a hot tattoo 14 years later. For instance, the Mad Love soundtrack I bought in Grade 6 is now long gone, but thousands of tramps with butterfly tattoos on their ankles can't say the same. Case and point, barbed wire arm bands. Your lame frosted tips have grown out but you still have an incarceration themed tatt around your roid monkey bicep! Someone with a stupid tattoo is incapable of thinking logically about the future of their life. Simply put, don't date them.