Best Break-up Tactics

Break-ups are hard. There isn't enough Ativan or red wine (don't combine) in the world to mend all the broken hearts out there. What makes break-ups even harder is when they're done with the delicacy of a rhinoceros. Not to sound all self-helpy (although I am known to frequent the Chapter's Self Help section—without a large hat and sunglasses I might add), but whether you're the one leaving or the one being left, both parties are just trying to do the best they can, with the terrible communication skills they're currently equipped with. And some people are much worse communicators than others. Here are four common break-up tactics to watch out for.

1) The botched cliche

We've all used a break-up cliche at one point or another. Ostensibly, the purpose of the break-up cliche is to soften the blow of what you're saying by thinly veiling it in a lame analogy. The classic "it's not you it's me" is a prime example of this diversion technique. If you're ever fed this line there is only one thing you need to take away from it: it's 100% you.

Occasionally people will botch break-up cliches. Because breaking up with someone by text or online chat is becoming increasingly desirable and acceptable, botched cliches have increased significantly.


Classics from my gchat archive include (but are not limited to):

Him: It's a two-way streak
Me: Lol. No...but it is a two-way street sometimes, unless it's a one-way.
Him: What?
Me: This is for the best

Him: Let's just take things year by year
Me: What do you mean by that?
Him: Like if I run into you when we're out...whatever happens happens
Me: Lol. How about we play it by ear!!!
Him: Huh?

Him: I really got placed under the bus here
Me: Just very gently placed under a bus...ya. Thank god you didn't get thrown! 
Him: I think we need to gear down
Me: Haha. Like pump the brakes?
Him: Let the engine cool for a bit
Me: I totally understand

2) The friendly phase-out

The friendly phase-out is popular with people who want to end things while preserving the option to possibly hit that again. You'll never have a dramatic conversation about feelings filled with tears and bargaining tactics. Likely one of you will stop responding to texts with sentences and start using emoticons and one word answers like "yikes!" and "ha." Eventually this becomes dissatisfying and you will move on. It's a pretty painless way to part ways, although one of the most annoying.
  

3) The Facebook feed notification

This move is popular when one of you has done something bad such as cheating or stealing. You don't even tell the person you're breaking up with them, simply change your Facebook relationship status.

There are two major pros of using this technique:

a) It's really amusing for your friends and even funnier when they all Like the status.

b) The person will be so pissed off that you probably won't even have to put all their shit in a box and leave it dramatically on their doorstep. There will be no emotional blackmailing where one of you threatens to de-friend the other on Facebook. Both of you just move on.

4) Moving to another country

This happens way more than you think. Maybe they got a sweet job in Afghanistan or it's "always been their dream to study rock formations in New Zealand." Rest assured, when your honey starts getting malaria shots and tells you they just can't give up this opportunity to live in North Korea for a year don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to have a long distance relationship. If they're moving to another continent to get away from you, it's over babe.