How To Pick Up Hot Guys

There are a couple of reasons why I don't read women's magazines. The main reason is because for my eighth birthday my mother bought me a subscription to Seventeen magazine. A simple math equation (in this case 17-8) can easily determine that I wasn't supposed to be reading about whatever was being discussed in the Sex and Body column during the early 90s for roughly another nine years. Bad parenting aside, I somehow survived my freakishly informed childhood and have been having moderately dysfunctional relationships ever since.

Women's magazines are also stuffed with really dumb dating tips and even dumber articles such as Is Side Boob the New Cleavage. From someone who genuinely liked the movie Charlie St. Cloud, the fact that I find this pretty insulting is a serious issue.

For the purpose of research for this blog I was scouring Cosmo and came across a great example of misleading dating advice titled How to Pick Up Hot Guys. While my usual 'wear a tank top and smirk a lot' usually never fails, I decided to try out Cosmo's tips in real life for the sake of science and report back to you, my devoted readers, who would have perfect lives if ONLY they knew how to pick up hot guys. For the experiment, I followed these instructions step by step and word for word.

To Pick Up Hot Guys:

1. Check out a cutie on the subway for two seconds, look away, then glance back at him through lowered lashes. 

First of all, finding a cutie on the subway is harder than it sounds. Cute guys worth knowing have cars, not bus passes. Nevertheless, I set out on the Canada Line (obviously not paying the honour system fare) and looked for a cutie. I finally spotted my cutie after stopping at Broadway and Cambie; a 30 something man of average height with glasses who was wearing a Canucks jersey (I swear this was the cutest I could find). The next part was easy, I checked him out for two seconds and then looked away. Totally nailed it. The next part was much trickier. Please take a moment and try to glance away from your computer screen 'through lowered lashes'. Not only does it feel creepy and retarded, it looks even worse than it feels. If you've ever wondered what Queen Latifah feels like when she gets something caught in her eye, definitely try this move.

2. Sitting in a room full of guys? Turn sideways in your chair, cross your legs, arch your back, and run your fingers through your hair.

Well I don't know about you but I'm constantly sitting in a room full of guys. Always in fact. However, because there was a Canucks game on, later that night I did just happen to find myself sitting in a room full of guys and I was pumped to try this one out. During intermission I slowly tried it. I even threw in a Queen Latifah look through lowered lashes to go with it. I probably did this move about 35 times throughout the night and the only person who noticed was the waitress who asked me if I needed another drink. Fail number two.

3. "Trip," fall against a man's chest, and say "Damn, your pecs are so hard, I felt like I was falling into a wall." 

Knowing full well that being clumsy isn't exactly a turn on, I picked the guy with the hardest looking chest in the room and pretended to trip so that I 'inadvertently' ended up rubbing his pecs. If my life was a romantic comedy, which I can assure you it's not, this would end up with Matthew Mcconaughey taking me out for lobster. Instead I ended up feeling like a complete idiot while some jock condescendingly asked me if I had had too much to drink. Next.


3. Get the indie-music guy hanging near the jukebox to help you pick out a song.

There's one glaring problem with this little dating tip. When was the last time you saw a jukebox? Was it when you were at Fogg N' Suds 12 years ago? Because that's the last time I saw one. Moving along.

4. Ask the motorcycle dude next to you to tell the story behind his "awesome" tattoo.

Let's be clear on one thing. Motorcycle dudes are not awesome and neither are their tattoos. Two out of three motorcycle dudes I've been out with in my life have had barbed wire tattoos. One out of the three almost died after being in a horrible motorcycle accident. For personal reasons, I skipped this one.

5. Walk up to that Taylor Lautner look-alike standing alone at a party, give him a playful smile, and say, "I heard there would be tons of cute guys here. So far, I've only seen one."

Most parties I go to are stacked to the brim with Taylor Lautner look-alikes. For me, the real problem is finding a guy who doesn't look like Taylor Lautner. And they're always standing alone. It's...like... really weird. Oddly, maybe it was the full moon but the party I was at wasn't boasting any babes with biceps who also turn into werewolves. Despite feeling slightly discouraged I spotted a guy who looked a bit like a short Chad Michael Murray and went in for the kill with my most playful smile. I am ashamed to say that this lame line actually worked. He laughed and I blushed. It was like a scene from Can't Hardly Wait. I felt much less like Queen Latifah and more like Jennifer Love Hewitt. While sparks didn't fly, it did start a conversation. Things were looking up.

6. Hit up a sports bar, and ask the guy sitting beside you what his favorite team is so you'll "know who to root for."

Warning: This only works if you're traveling or watching football on Sundays. Don't ever ask a guy who to root for if you're watching a hockey game in your home town, unless you want him to never talk to you again. On a Sunday, because there are multiple football games being played (and Canada doesn't have an NFL team) it's totally acceptable to ask the guy sitting beside you who he's cheering for. After he answers all you have to say is 'what's the spread?' followed by "do you think they'll cover?" and he'll be really impressed.

7. Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he's a "sexy tech genius, like you."

After reading this my first instinct was to write a scathing and sarcastic response about how no-one who works at Best Buy is hot. But because I'm a big fan of the TV show Chuck, I decided to go down there and see for myself. The uniform definitely leaves a little to be desired but I was trying not to be superficial so I pressed on. If you like pale, apathetic guys, Best Buy is a great place to pick someone up. I eventually found the target: a tall, East Indian sexy genius named Pinder. He had a nice smile and seemed bored. I asked him to find the perfect birthday present for my friend who was a 'sexy tech genius, like you'. Pinder was obviously horrified. He looked around fervently for a supervisor before regaining composure and recommending an E-Reader. When I asked him which E-Reader was best for reading erotica he politely excused himself.

8. Step off the dance floor and quickly adjust one of your thigh-high stockings. Uh-oh, did that hottie sitting a few feet away catch you?

I was worried that if I tried this, I might be approached in a 'how much' sort of way. But I was too curious to resist and had some thigh-highs left over from a slutty back up Halloween costume I ditched in order to wear a full-body monkey suit. I made my way to The Roxy and hit the D-floor. Uh-oh, I'm happy to say that the 'hottie' sitting a few feet away (aka the overweight 37 year old with a severe speech impediment) definitely did catch me. He even offered to buy me a round of the Corona/tequila shot for ten bucks deal they offer every Sunday... so, I got to feel pretty good about myself.