Guide to Getting Naked

 Originally Published in Hush magazine (The Naked Issue)


Getting naked is somewhat of a popular activity. Skinny-dipping, getting massages and of course, having sex—are all done in the buff. Judging by edgy, over-exposed American Apparel ads and the popularity of Victoria's Secret fashion shows, getting naked has a reputation for being cool. That's fine. What isn't cool , however, is seeing your naked antics embarrassingly splayed all over YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. Because of the technological candy store we live in, what once was just an innocent game of strip poker, now has the power to ruin relationships, reputations and careers. Another politician/actress/professional athlete doesn’t have to accidentally tweet a naked picture of themselves for us to know that technology and nudity do not always mix. Here are some practical tips on how to get naked, without getting busted.

Practice safe sext
If we’ve learned anything from professional athletes, it’s that you should always delete your text messages. Thankfully, for those of us who need a little technological assistance, there are iPhone applications that automatically deletes messages after they’ve been read. But even if you cover your tracks, there is no guarantee that the recipient of your illicit messages or photos will be so discreet. Just remember that the flirtatious snap of you in your leopard print bra that you think is totally irresistible at 3 a.m., rarely ends up being seen by just the object of your textual affection. If you are going to sext, do it with someone you moderately trust and before last call at the bar.

Act like a porn star, don’t become one
Smartphones are wonderful things. They are a phone, camera and BFF all in one compact case. The video quality on an iPhone is now so good, every proud owner has at some point considered making an amateur sex tape. The glaring problem with this is that when you’re in love, making a sexy video is totally fun and hot. Lucky for you, hindsight is 20/20, and Paris Hilton and almost every single one of the Kardashians have already made this mistake for you. Before you click record, just think about how you’ll feel when you and your honey inevitably break-up and your once steamy sex vid is going viral on tumblr with a nasty caption from your Spielberg-wannabe ex. If that ever happened, you’d probably be wishing for a time machine, and we’re pretty sure there isn’t an app for that.

Just say no to commando
Women's magazines are constantly advising that going commando is a really sexy and edgy way to spice things up. It sounds fun in theory, but anyone who has ever tried to coordinate maneuvering in and out of a taxi without flashing her vagina to half of Yaletown (while also ensuring that her backside doesn't touch the seat) knows that this is much trickier than it looks. Please do the taxi drivers of Vancouver, and everyone who takes your taxi after you, a favour and wear underwear when you go out. The last thing you want is for Britney Spears-esque crotch shots to end up on the gossip blogs. While you may not have paparazzi following you around, you never know when someone will go camera happy on your ass…literally.

Wax off, not on
Going naked down there is a surefire way to not only improve your sex life but improve your sext life as well. However, some spas will offer to wax you in shapes or, worse, vagazzle you, which is the horrifying process of bedazzling your…you guessed it. Just be warned that having everything waxed off is physically painful enough without having to experience the emotional pain of having sequins glued onto your genitals. Believe us when we say that when you are hooking up with someone, the last thing you want them thinking is “OMG Christian Audigier just exploded onto her vagina.” Just keep it simple.

No comments:

Post a Comment